First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.
Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad," the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"

Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.
However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.
"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"
"Sure" Pat nods.
"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"
Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's David Beckham... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"
"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"
Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.
Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Peter Schmeichel"
Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's David Beckham?"
"Definately" Mick replies.
"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"
"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's David Beckham, that's my final answer... David Beckham."
"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again
"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."
As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!"
The quizmaster replies, "Andy Cole."